| DISCLAIMER: the following are stereotypical generalizations |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|11:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | a home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | a much needed silence | ] |
Is it American society, or the inherent (sp?) nature of humanity that causes our selfishness? Think about it; we want everyone (namely our closest friends and, moreso our significant other) to drop everything for our every need and desire. We claim not to be selfish, we claim that that's simply how relationships work. But, is it? Do I expect too much and am therefore disappointed? The cycle of selfishness and selflessness is bittersweet. Giving the world to those you hold dear and asking for nothing in return makes you seem pathetic and weak. On the other hand, is it a selfish desire to want the world from those people? We become caught in the mix of giving and taking until it will ultimately unravel into an unbalanced mess of hurt. What defines how much giving is "too much"? What defines the validity of being hurt? Who can determine the amount of strength that lies in an individual, if that strength is relative to the circumstance? My mind reels over several different subjects at the moment, I'm not sure where I'm going with this or if anyone will even read it. It doesn't matter. Something about seeing an owl on a much needed jog, focused on an apparent movement in the brush otherwise hidden to the average eye, and a hot shower, and an oversized sweatshirt that make writing come easy....and coherent thoughts ever so difficult. I am not at all free of selfishness. ON a whole I used to consider myself a fairly giving person. But, has my newly discovered strength overtaken my ability to give? I try to be strong, I try not to cry, I try to run the extra mile, to hold my head high...yet somehow, beneath the steaming water, the world collapses on my shoulders and I break down and I cry. Not for you, or for me, or for us, or for him, or for her, or for them...so then for whom do the tears fall- if anyone? I know this wasn't the most cohesive of entries, I don't think I intended it to be. That's a load of shit, I had no intentions when I started typing, only to type. Not to clarify the mess of thoughts in my head, or soothe an achey heart, or dry salty tears...just to write. And thus, my intentions (or lack thereof) have been met. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|03:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
You were so convinced that I would fail. You presumed the demise of my ethics before I even stepped foot in the door. You judged me when I knew I wasn't wrong. Well, look at me now. My priorities are in order. I am exactly where I want to be. I have not a single regret and anticipate an exciting future in love, learning, friendship and life. Each new sunrise renews in me a certain perspective I never knew existed. Every stride leaves you in the past, while bringing me closer to my future; my goals. As the slowly rising sun kisses my cheek, I know that another day means it will be okay. It already is. I will shine with determination and excel further than expected. In proving true to myself, I will prove you wrong. |
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| Breakaway |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|09:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My "Lift Me Up" Mix | ] |
It seems as though the only comfort I've ever had was a pen and paper...or keyboard and livejournal. When my mind is pulling and pushing in infinite directions and I need to get away, I type to the beat of the music, and hope my fingers will tap out the turmoil trapped inside. Sometimes with purpose, sometimes for the simple sound of the keys snapping under my touch. Either way, it is this that cures the angst. It is the sound, the image that appears in response to every button you push, that comforts me. Not chocolate, or ice cream or sad love songs...words. Words that fill the page, creating an image to someday be displayed on a television. Creativity is my outlet. I wrap myself in characters and pictures that burn into my imagination, anticipating their release.
I'm spinning, angry, hurt, spiteful and embarrassed that this has gone on for so long. I want to be stronger than this. And I am...I just have yet to prove it to myself. I want to forget. I'll do anything to make the hurt go away, or nail the specific source of it for that matter. It comes and goes as easily and quickly as a sunshower on a summer day in Florida. I'll be fine, not lying to myself "fine" actually fine. Then, for a reason or not, it hits me. An overwhelming feeling. An emotion I can't control. And, so I spill.
There you go, guys. My guts are on the table for dissection. |
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| If this scene was a parish, we'd all be condemned... |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|10:01 am] |
This is it, an end to this saga, and the beginning of the next. This summer has had ups and downs, and was an overall learning experience. The variety of events that have taken place in the last month and a half seem unrealistic.
I cam out here this summer dating one guy, broke up with him to get re-engaged to an ex. Now that ex is "in love" with someone I once called my best friend.
In this past month and a half I have strengthened bonds with those I never thought I would- becoming close through camping trips and concerts, phone calls of fury and flirting.
One other captured my heart, by not too securely. I kept my heart caged for the most part as to avoid being hurt, but not too much to lack a friendshiplike relationship. Nights spent doing nothing but sitting around watching movies, eating turkey tacos, playing with the puppies, rafting, camping...
In no time at all, new relationships have begun to form. It may be in the primary stages, but it is developing nonetheless. I am meeting people who have their priorities set on art and learning, not sex and drinking. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate partying, but it's nice to have conversations about religion not where to get the keg. I'm even being open minded to ...STAR WARS! (Gasp, I know)
I am making positive changes in my life that are going to be difficult but necessary. I have the support of friends, ones I can genuinely call "friends." Even without them, I have the support of One who matters more, who is divine, who loves unconditionally and will never turn His back on me.
For all of those who have impacted me, whether it be positively or not, thank you. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am becoming. Thank you for heartbreak, deception, support, tears and laughter. Thank you for sticking my me, or stabbing me in the back. Thank you for hugging me or hurting me. I appreciate and accept the good and bad, it's a part of life and a part I am now able to accept.
Live, Love, Learn and have no regrets. Be yourself and don't let anyone try to mold you into what they want you to be.
I will be home in less than 2 weeks. = P
PLANS:
1. Lynzlee Day
2. Britt and Leesh day
3. Make "Welcome to 7th grade Language Arts" video for mom
4. Go down to Dreyfoos and visit Deluxe, Web, and Ruth
5. Walk to Zach's house, kidnap him and go to the beach.
That should fill me up for about a week...then it's off to UCF!!!!
<3 |
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| Struck by a broken arrow |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|03:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Apollo Sunshine (a new found fav, thanks Steve) | ] |
So, apparently, Love is not as sacred as I once thought it to be. If one week one can express undying love to you, wanting to spend eternity by your side, and the next tell one who claimed to be your best friend those same three words of promise, it was never love to begin with. If she can tell me that I'm her best friend and she loves me in the same breath as she loves him, which kind of love is true? Or is any? How can we define an abstract feeling? One word has many different feelings to many different people. Not everyone in love are in the same kind of love.
What can be said of marriages that end in divorce? In friendships that lie broken. Love is eternal. To be in love, it is unconditional. Through nervous breakdowns, drunken phone calls, fights, laughter, accidental hook ups, kisses and flowers love remains strong. If anything is capable of breaking that bond, it was never there to begin with. One can care deeply for another, without being in love with them. One can be incredibly infatuated, but never feel love.
The only real love is divine. I would have never considered myself a believer, until now. When people turn their back on you, when knives fly from every direction and pierce every part of your body, when you're broken and bleeding and people pour salt in your wounds as the speed by, there is one who will pick you up and only one. He will mend every wound, and carry you. Even when you struggle from His gentle hold, he will cradle you as a Father does a child when you return to grace. A tumble down from grace is not permenant. Sometimes, one needs to experience a lack of faith in order to resurrect it.
And through the heartache, the betrayal, the nauseau and shakes, I know it will be okay. I will be able to stand on my own. I need not depend on anyone else. I need not take part in this ridiculous drama. I will love again, once I find myself, hidden away in the secret place in my heart that I had forgotten for so long. And I will hear the noise of the trumpet, and realize I will be happy. I WILL be happy. I will be complete, alone. |
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| Wow, Live Journal. A place to ramble. |
[Jul. 15th, 2006|09:52 am] |
Live journal, it's been a while since I've visited here. Two posts ago was the beginning of senior year. Now, it's time for college. I remember thinking how weird it was we were seniors, now I wonder how I ever made it to reshman year in college. I love looking back at past posts and see the things that changed. The days of B & N are long gone, the days of love and Tristen have dissipated, the days of trusting a best friend are non existent.
Yet, it isn't necessarily negative. This summer has proven to be a slight turning point in my life. Thus far, it has been a rollercoaster that seemed to drop but never return to elevation, until now. The backstabbing, the hysterics, the lies, the heartache are all over. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. Sure, I miss him. He was my first love, how could I not. But this time, I'm sure I'm better off without him. It's amazing to not wakeup and feel worthless; amazing yet foreign. I miss LJ. I miss writing. I deleted my myspace, but am flying full speed ahead into facebook.
College. So many thoughts, aprehensions, fears (haha ehrlich! Does anyone have any thoughts, concerns, apprehensions, or fears to express at this time...haha) Sorry, easily distracted. I am scared to death, but excited more than ever, to be thrown into a world of freedom and knowledge. I'm alreadymeeting some amazing new people, and getting along better than ever with the old ones. I've got film, friends, classes and parties to look forward to. College.
There is nowhere I'd rather be than the present.
How's everyone's summer???? |
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| A whole new life... |
[Nov. 17th, 2005|05:41 pm] |
Oh man! The things that go on...
The people I meet...
And love...
And cry with....
And B&N with...
all in a matter of DAYS...
ohhh man... |
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| Good Friends Last a Lifetime.... |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|07:57 pm] |
I haven't seen Britt in two months and barely spoken to her. That whole being on the other side of the world thing slightly hindered our cell phone connections. Go figure. It is amazing that after all that time, I feel as though we were never apart. Good friendships are like that.
Wow. Seniors. It is a crazy thought. I, at 17 years young, am supposed to know what I am doing with the rest of my life...
Cathy Bowers rocks my world. The End.
I love my boyfriend. He is amazing.
Oh all these thoughts....
Alycia |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|01:57 pm] |
I'm definitely NOT a dork. But apparently Kel thinks so...My reasons are...
1. I would rather be at a debate tournament than a party.
2. I would rather sit by the river talking to my boyfriend than out meeting people.
3. I cried when Dean and Rory broke up in Gilmore Girls.
4. One Tree Hill makes me cry- when I'm PMSing.
5. I look forward to my art classes.
6. I can't wait to take AP European History with Mr. Ruth.
7. I show off pictures of my boyfriend's nephew and my baby cousins to...everyone.
8. I miss talking to my debate coach over the summer. (So I email her from time to time)
9. I sit on LJ or snowboard.com when I'm bored at work.
10. My last reason why I'm a dork...
I HANG OUT WITH KELLY COLEMAN!!!!!!!!
(ha! How's that for payback!)
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|01:01 pm] |
Tristen and his friend/co worker (Brandon) are coming up this weekend. Their other friend/co worker may be coming up as well (Sharyn). I'm sooo excited!!!
I see tristen this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOHOO!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|11:34 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Upset. Furious. Crushed. | ] |
I am so annoyed at this!!!
Tristen is trying to come up this coming up weekend. However, the cash flow is a little short on his end. I offered to pitch in for gas money. I told my mom this she had a fuckin fit and said no. It is only like $40 and IT IS MY CHOICE. I work. I make my own money. I don't spend frivolously. If I want to financially aid my boyfriend so he can come see me...I WILL!!!! That should not be her choice! Because of it, I may not see him. Great, Thanks mom.
It is killing me enough that I won't see him for awhile. But, to know that THIS is the reason is absolutely absurd.
I'm so fucking sick of this bullshit. |
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| Hard work- good for the body soul and mind |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|07:07 am] |
Wow!!! Yesterday ROCKED!
I worked at the stables. Office was pretty slow, so I helped Hallie with her chores. I've ever done sooo much manual labor!!!!!!!!!!!!
Accomplishments include...
Filling AND emptying a FULL wheel barrow (yup- through the corral, over the step, through the barn, over the other step, and up the shit pile!!!!)
I FLUNG BAILS OF HAY!!! yup!!! Little me!!! I thought I was gonna DIE afterwards- but I did it!!!
I raked and shoveled and untacked and did nose bags....
AND I went riding!!! Yes!!! It was fun.
I love working there. Hallie and I had TONS of time to talk which was cool. Only two more days at the stables before I go back...
Tristen may possiby come up again before I leave. That would be AMAZING!!! I'm trying not to get too excited...
That's it for now!!!
<3 to all!!!
Alycia |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|08:07 am] |
Soooo I think I'm overdue for an update...
Ummmm
I'm tired.
I'm going riding tomorrow!!! Yup. Not WORKING at the stables- RIDING!!! With Katie Shelly and Lindsay!!! Yay. I'm excited. I wonder who I'll ride. Preferably Uno...but I could go on Taffy...hmmm
In case anyone was wondering- everything is still amazing with Tristen. I love him quite dearly. I haven't updated about him in a while. He rocks my world. And, yes, I do have the BEST boyfriend EVER!!!!
Ummmm leave me a comment to UN- Bore me....
Leesha |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|03:01 pm] |
Only two and a half more weeks...
It flew by so quickly...
I don't want to come back to florida to be greeted by hummidity and hurricanes.
And school.
I have 2 3/4 more books to read...out of 3. *hmpf*
Hope everyone's summer is going swell!!!
Love always,
Alycia |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|02:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  devestated | ] |
Someone opened the gate and let our horses loose. 4 ran onto the highway and got hit and killed by an 18 wheeler.
RIP Maverick Charmed Handsome and Hornet
The rest were safe, just lost for a bit.
Wow. Talk about an emotional day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|09:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Have you ever been so confused about something, you're really not sure why you were confused in the first place?
Everything is so uspidedown, you don't remember which way is right side up? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|07:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
I'm at work. I'm going to see if I can leave at 8 when Katie comes in. I feel like shit. I wanna sleep. That's alllll I'm doing today. SLEEPING. And maybe going to the bookstore so Justin can enjoy the weekends festivities. I wanna go home.
leesha |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|10:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Stubborn people suck!
People need to take their heads out of their asses and listen to an opinion other than theirs.
Ugh!
I'm frustrated and am on the brink of insanity.
Ugh! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|04:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I'm done.
I'm exhausted.
I want to turn 18.
La La La I can't fucking hear you.
I don't want to cry anymore. I just want to leave. Leave and never look back.
La la la. |
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